Nataxja Cini

In case you haven’t noticed Mother’s day is this Sunday. While Sunday morning will be abuzz with kids waking up early to cook Mom breakfast, not all moms will be so fortunate to see or hear from their children. 

For some, moms, Mother’s day it is a day of pain, sadness, and loss. Some Mothers have lost their children due to a miscarriage, death, divorce, estrangement or any other reason why they have lost contact with their children.  To those mothers I feel your pain.  It is hard to be happy on a day when you are reminded of your loss.

Here are some simple ways to reach out to a grieving mother on Mother’s day is this Sunday.

1)   Acknowledge that she is still a Mother

2)   Acknowledge her loss

3)   Talk about her child

4)   Share a memory or pictures of her child

5)   Don't minimize her loss

6)   Ask if there is something you could do together on this day or another day to honour her and her loss

7)   Encourage Self-Care

To all the mothers out there whether you will see or be with your children this weekend Happy Mother's Day.

Are you pushing people away from you? Do you sometimes wonder why no one wants to spend time with you? Why the lunch room clears out when you show up?

Relationships need to be nourished. Just like a garden needs water to grow. Our relationships need to be nourished  with positive thoughts, words, and actions.While many people think of relationships as romantic relationships , relationships encompass parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, peer relationships or couples. 

The number two reason relationships fail is because there are too many anti love messages being sent and received. Too often we become critical or resentful of others. This happens when are needs are not being met and when we are unable to express what we need from others.
This happens especially when the other person has stepped on our toes and hurt of feelings.  At times it can be difficult to be open and honest when we fear retaliation, hostility or criticism.  When we feel there is a lack of understanding, we retreat into our hurt and become silent. Then when the pain is too much to bear we may lash out at each other in pain and anger.

John Gottman's research shows “lasting relationships need to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in order to last. His team predicted with amazing accuracy which couples would last and who would separate after listening to them interact for 15 minutes. It is difficult to risk opening up and feeling vulnerable to someone who you feel they will respond with criticism or they will discount your feelings. When we fear not being heard we retreat from the relationships. We may even avoid expressing our true needs and turn to others who are more understanding of your needs.  Too many negative comments drive you away from each other and contribute to creating a negative cycle between you.

Most relationships function on the same premises whether we are talking about parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, peer relationships or couples.  There is some form of positive reciprocal relationship. Both parties transmit and receive positive messages, meaning, interactions from each other over time.

Loving partners, parents, or people need to demonstrate their love for each other and accept and receive love sent their way. When couples come in for counseling I hear some people talk about not knowing that they are loved or card for or that they don’t feel the need to express their love or appreciation for the other person in the relationship.  "Oh she knows I love her" or "I don't know if she loves me because I don't hear her say that to me". 

Sometimes parents are afraid to tell their teens or young adult children that they love them because they did not receive that message themselves from their parents.  “We don't talk about emotions at home.” "They know I love them! After all I pay for their school or activities.”  “ You should know that I love you if you don’t then something is wrong with you." 

Yes you do. You do need to express your love and feelings to those you wish to be close to. We all want to know that we are valued and loved.

The number one reason relationships fail is because there is a lack of "love expression". People in healthy relationships express their love and appreciation for one another.  Love can be sent and received in many ways.

Whether you are a parent, a teen , a child, a senior, a lover or an adult, tell someone you care and love them. Love can be sent and received in many ways, from touch, to looks, words, gestures, deeds, tone of voice or service. Find your special way to express your love to the person you love. Ensure you love message is being heard and received. Ask your child, your teen, your parents, your partner 'Do they know that you love them?" See how they receive your message and change it if necessary so they do receive your loving message.