Nataxja Cini

We undertand how difficult it is to be a young child of divorced parents. Parents pulling their child in each direction, listening to one parent bad mouth your other parent, the horrors of splitting holidays and having to move from one home to the next, week after week. But no one ever considers the challenges of being the adult child of divorced elderly parents.

Now Mom and Dad are seniors. Mom may need a hearing aid, Dad can no longer drive, Mom may get dementia, and well Dad he’s not doing so well either. The married couple can rely on each other for support and their children are usually there to support them.

But the divorced elderly couple, who are not longer a couple, will probably face their seniors years on their own. If they are fortunate their children may still be near by to assist them to face their health challenges.

What limited research has been done on divorced seniors shows that Dads are more likely to be isolated and unable to get support from their adult children as they age. This may be due to the fact that fathers were less likely to obtain child custody following divorce. Ironically parents who remarried after divorce were also less likely to receive care and support from their adult children as they entered there senior years.

The challenge becomes for children of divorced parents is who takes care of whom and how do you possibly take care of two people who don’t live with each other without burning out? Sometimes Mom and Dad no longer live in the same city or they have new partners. Are you supposed to now take care of your Dad and your stepdad? Where do your loyalties lie?

Whenever possible, try to keep all family members involved in the care giving process, even if they live far away. Engage your siblings and other relatives to help you out. Part of the family can care for Dad while the other relatives care for Mom.

Ask your siblings and other family members for support. Let them know what they can do to help you care for your divorced parents. Help does not always have to be physical help. They can care for your kids or provide social support for you. Or even offer to help pay for a home care health worker or some to clean the house for Mom or Dad.

Have this discussion with your siblings and your parents before you reach a crisis. Is there one sibling who is better able to care for Mom or has a better relationship with Dad. How do you kids envision helping your parents as they age? What do Mom and Dad want? So you know your stepparents’ children? How will they or do they want to care for their parent? What provisions have your parent and their new partner made? While these are not easy questions to ask it’s a discussion worth having now instead of at 3 in the morning in the emergency ward.

Life is busy. People make demands on us. there is never enough time to get everything done. The house is a mess, bills are not paid the kids, the wife, the husband are making demands and then……. Are you stressed yet?

There are three basic ways people respond when they are overwhelmed. Which one do you do?

1. Get angry or agitated?. You may feel hot, overly emotional, and unable to sit still. Jumpy and ready to go?

2. Do you get withdrawn or depressed stress response or silent? You shut down, space out. Even if the house is burning down around you, you’ll show very little energy or emotion.

3. Do you go between both being agitated and withdrawn? You may “freeze” under pressure and feel helpless or paralyzed. But under that frozen exterior you’re extremely agitated?

Next time before you blow a fuse and rage at the world or leave everyone wondering if you care try to avoid becoming overwhelmed.

Here are some steps you can take to hold off stress before it peaks.

1) Learn how to say “no thank you”
There are no prizes for over committing yourself. It is OK to set healthy boundaries and limits for yourself in both your private and professional life. You will thank yourself for saying no to too many activities and events.

2) Avoid people who stress you out
While it would be great if you could get along with everyone, it’s healthier for yourself and your family to no longer bring people who cause chaos into your lives. If someone regularly causes stress or chaos in your life, limit the amount of time you spend with them or end the relationship entirely.

3) Choose your conversations carefully
While you may be passionate about a certain politician or topic avoid bringing up these topics if it’s going to set off a confrontation. There is no point expecting your liberal minded relatives to agree to your super ultra conservative view on life or vice versa. Enjoy your controversial topics with those who are open to discussing them in a civil manner.

4) Choose to control or limit your exposure to stressful situations
Do you find driving in rush hour stressful does the evening news make you anxious, does listening to news just before bedtime whined you up instead of getting you ready for a good nigh sleep? If driving in rush hour stresses you out see if you can do flex hours to come to work earlier or leave after rush hour. Choose to read the news instead of being exposed to all the sights and sounds of global turmoil. Make choices that benefit you and your lifestyle.

5) Learn mediation or other stress relieving techniques
Life can be overwhelming and at times we could all use a break from all that excitement. How do you relax? what hobbies or activities do you do to recharge yourself? Find an activity that works for you so you give your mind and body a break from your everyday life. Take the time to discover how you bring calmness back into your life. Simple breathing exercises can slow you down and help re centre yourself. Mediation is a great way of clearing our your mind and can provide you with clarity. Turn off your cell phone and truly enjoy your lunch hour. Look for little ways to bring calmness into your life.

6) Take responsibility for your choices and actions
We are all free human beings. Everyday we make choices, we choose to get up, we choose to sleep in, we choose to go to work or we choose to call in sick or even just not show up. Even with others we have choices. We choose to please others, give in to their needs and demand and ignore our own needs and desires. I am not talking about caring for your toddler here but how you behave towards other adults or young adults. You are doing whatever you’re doing because you chose to, not because someone is forcing you. You may be aware of the motivation behind your choices or not but it is a choice you have made.

You’re a single parent. Whether divorced or widowed, eventually you’re going to want to start dating. One of the most common questions is “How and when do I introduce my new partner into my child’s life?”

Here are the top 10 on dating with kids

1) Is your new partner a keeper or just a fling?

Don’t introduce your kids to anyone new if they’re not going to be around for the long haul. Remember you already got divorced once, so make sure you’ve dated for at least 6 months before introducing your kids to a new partner. Yes, that’s right, 6 months of solid commitment.  If this is just a summer romance or a rebound keep the kids out of this. See your fling when your kids are with their other parents or sleeping over at their friend’s homes.

2) Is your new partner too eager to meet your kids or too eager to introduce you to their kids?

Being too eager to meet our kids after a few dates can be a warning sign. What’s the rush?  Yes, it’s important for your new partner gets along with your children but keep your children’s best interest at heart and ensure this romance is going to last. It’s too painful for your kids to meet a string of people coming and going in and out of their lives.

3) Time Lines

Remember your children don’t recover from change the same way you do.  Unless there was a lot of divorce discussion, your children probably did not hear about your divorce until just before it occurred. Your kids have had less time to adjust to the idea that their world is changing. You can’t expect your kids to be ready for someone new in their life just because you’re ready. Proceed with caution.

4)  Take advantage of your shared custody

Schedule your dates when your children are with their other parent. This gives you the privacy you need to develop a relationship, be intimate and have adult sleepovers without getting your kids involved. Be creative, schedule dates when the kids are at after school programs, school trips, sleep overs at friend’s homes or trade off “play dates” with another parent to give yourself time to socialize.

5) One Mom, One Dad

Reassure your children that no one will replace either of you. Kids do worry that your new partner will replace their Mom or Dad or that you expect them to call your new partner “Mom” or “Dad”. Your kids need your reassurance that it’s OK for them not to love your new love but they need to be respectful. This is especially true if your children are older and have become accustomed to have you all to themselves.

6) Talk to your new partner about each other’s children

Both you and your partner may have kids. If you’ve decided this person is a keeper, now is the time to talk about how you raise your children, what are your house rules (his and hers), and your expectations for a future life together.  When two families get together it’s more like an amalgamation then a blending of families. It’s important for you both to understand the dynamics of each family. Have a long talk about family expectations, discipline, money, education, holidays, vacations, and anything else you believe is important. It’s a big deal merging kids and families together.

7) Introduce your new partner slowly and in small doses

The day has come for your special someone to meet your children. Choose an event where no one has to be not the centre of attention. Choose to have the kids meet at an event that involves other adults, visit a children’s museum or a kid friendly attraction or event, or head out for a yummy treat. It’s best to keep it short and sweet for the first few visits.  Limit PDA or public displays of affection for the first 5 or 6 visits. You want your kids to get to know this person as your friend first. Ensure your date knows your kids’ needs come first, so you may have to head home if someone gets tired or sick and your attention will be on your children and their enjoyment first.

8) Manage your expectations

Junior may not be enamored with your choice. Remember you don’t need your child’s approval.  If you’ve been single for a while, your child may experience feelings of jealousy and anger. Go slowly so our children can adjust to changes in your life and their lives. It really is up to your new partner to build up the relationship with your child.  Don’t except your older child to be crazy over your partner right away. They are old enough to express themselves. All children may feel conflict between being loyal to their other parent if they “like“ your new partner.  It takes time for people to create new relationships. Give them time and space to adjust to your new partner and to get to know them.

9) Be open with your children

Communicate to your children in an age appropriate manner. Communication with your kids involves both talking to your children in an open and honest manner, and listening to their feelings and opinions too. Listen to how they feel about your partner. If they are uncomfortable about your partner, no matter how painful it is to hear the news, take the time to understand how your child feels.

10) Time, patience & love

Make sure now that you have a new love, you don’t disappear on your children. Yes, love is infatuating and we know how great it feels to be held by someone who loves us. But make sure you spend quality time with your children. Don’t be spending hours on the phone while your kids are still awake. They still need you. Spending time with your kids reminds them how special they are to you and helps your children feel that your new partner is not there to steal you from them.

Remember it took time for you to build this relationship with your new partner and it will take time for your children and your partner to develop a special relationship as well. When it comes to introducing your kids to your new love interest, wait, wait, wait. Proceed slowly and give your children the time and attention they need from you.

Meditation that cultivates mindfulness can be particularly effective at reducing stress, anxiety, depression, and other negative emotions. Mindfulness is the quality of being fully engaged in the present moment, without over-thinking or analyzing the experience. Rather than worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, mindfulness meditation switches the focus on what is happening right now. Mindfulness meditation is not equal to zoning out. It takes effort to maintain your concentration and to bring it back to the present moment when your mind wanders or you start to drift off. But with regular practice, mindfulness strengthens the areas of the brain associated with joy and relaxation.

Mindfulness provides a potentially powerful antidote to the common causes of daily stress such as time pressure, distraction, agitation, and interpersonal conflicts.

How to do a Mindfulness Exercise

• Find a comfortable place to sit. It can be on a chair or on the floor, but do not slump or slouch. Keep your posture straight but relaxed, making sure you are not rigid or stiff. You may wish to place pillows under your knees if you are lying on the floor. Or even cover yourself so you do not get cold. ensure you are comfortable before you start so you do not need to stop and reposition yourself.

• Focus on your breathing.

• Concentrate your attention completely on your breathing. Become aware of the sensations as the air enters the nose. Become aware of that feeling as your breath goes in and out. Do not attempt to influence or adjust your breathing; let it happen naturally. Marvel at the quality and precision of internal sensations that are normally ignored. Wonder at how deeply you can sense the air inside you. Allow yourself time to be aware of the air going in and out, nothing else. Keep your mind on your breathing; become your breathing.

• When thoughts come into your mind, it’s OK. See your thoughts for what they are, they are just passing through your mind. When thoughts come, allow them to wander off on their own. Do not get involved in the thought. Notice them and return your focus to your breathing.

• Treat each thought as a guest. When a thought or feeling arises, simply observe and acknowledge it. There is no need to interpret it or to use it. You might wonder where it came from, what caused it to surface now, what purpose it serves. If you feel yourself drifting away on a thought refocus on your breathing. Use your breathing as the anchor for your mindfulness.

• Stay in the moment as long as you can. Continue to focus on your breathing. Aim to clear your mind completely for a minute , 2 or 3 minutes and then 5 minutes. With practice you will be able to extend your time to twenty minutes or more.

• Notice the repeating thoughts. As you progress you will come to recognize that the same thoughts are appearing, over and over, even in your calmest moments. Notice them and let them pass by, returning your attention to your breath.

With practice it will be easier for you to achieve this calm state of mind and body. Once you have finished your mediation take the time to be aware of your body. How does it feel? How do you feel? What is it like for you to release yourself from your thoughts?

Increased acidity in the brain is linked to panic disorders, anxiety, and depression. It is important to remember that your metal health and your body are linked together. As we move through the 21st century I hope we keep on discovering and acknowledging that the mind and the body are inseparable. We are starting to become more aware of the negative consequences acidity to other part of our bodies so why not our mental health. Read more about this discovery.

Just out in the Journal of Clinical Nursing. Some eating disorders may be triggered by lack of support after a challenging or traumatic event. For some young people, events, which most of us think of as exciting or normal can trigger emotional distress.

According to the family life study, eating disorders can be triggered by lack of support following a death in the family, relationship problems, physical or emotional abuse, and sexual assault. Take steps to protect yourself by talking with someone to receive emotional support you need.

The study showed that young people who developed anorexia or bulimia one of these six the transitional events.

1) School transitions from junior high to high school or the stress of leaving home and going away to college or university

2) Changes in relationships whether the break up with a boyfriend or the end of their parents relationships. Many young women sited their fathers being distant from them and getting involved with another women after the family divorce that led them to an eating disorder.

3) Death of a family member and lack of emotional support following the death

4) Home or job transition. When families move young people across the country or even across the city they lose their social support system. Others youth find it difficult to work with peers they cannot relate to.

5) Hospitalization or severe illness. Discovering you have no control over your health or body led some people to developing anorexia or bulimia

6) Abuse/ sexual assault/incest.   Many women report eating excessive amounts of food to hide their pain or hope to hide behind or in fat bodies in order to escape from being sexualized by others.

Increased acidity in the brain is linked to panic disorders, anxiety, and depression. It is important to remember that your metal health and your body are linked together. As we move through the 21st century I hope we keep on discovering and acknowledging that the mind and the body are inseparable. We are starting to become more aware of the negative consequences acidity to other part of our bodies so why not our mental health. Read more about this discovery.

Children whose mother or father is affected by bipolar disorder may need to keep their stress levels in check. A new international study, led by Concordia University, suggests the stress hormone cortisol is a key player in the mood disorder. The findings published in Psychological Medicine, are the first to show children whose mother or father is affected by bipolar disorder are more easily affected by stress. When faced with normal everyday stress, their cortisol levels peak sooner.

Research has shown that children of parents with bipolar disorder are four times as likely to develop mood disorders compared to the general population. This may be due to the genetic factors associated with bipolar.

Long-term activation of the stress hormone cortisol can lead to negative health consequences such as; digestive problems, heart disease, sleep issues, depression, memory loss and obesity.   It is important to be aware that your child may experience everyday stress as overwhelming.  Parents can help their children by helping them to learn positive strategies for coping with stress.

Simple stress management strategies can include:

• Taking more time to help your child transition from one activity to the next
• Keeping your child on a regular schedule
• Eating a healthy diet
• Exercising, playing outdoor games, and being active as a way of reducing stress
• Help your child learn how to relax through deep breathing exercise, yoga, quiet time, blowing bubbles, or other relaxation techniques
• Getting adequate sleep and creating a sleep friendly bedroom (no TVs in bedrooms)
• Help your child express their emotions both positive and negative emotions and validate their emotional experiences
• Seek professional psychotherapy when needed