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Nataxja Cini

Are you Sabotaging Your Relationships?

5/2/2012

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Are you pushing people away from you? Do you sometimes wonder why no one wants to spend time with you? Why the lunch room clears out when you show up?

Relationships need to be nourished. Just like a garden needs water to grow. Our relationships need to be nourished  with positive thoughts, words, and actions.While many people think of relationships as romantic relationships , relationships encompass parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, peer relationships or couples. 

The number two reason relationships fail is because there are too many anti love messages being sent and received. Too often we become critical or resentful of others. This happens when are needs are not being met and when we are unable to express what we need from others.
This happens especially when the other person has stepped on our toes and hurt of feelings.  At times it can be difficult to be open and honest when we fear retaliation, hostility or criticism.  When we feel there is a lack of understanding, we retreat into our hurt and become silent. Then when the pain is too much to bear we may lash out at each other in pain and anger.

John Gottman's research shows “lasting relationships need to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in order to last. His team predicted with amazing accuracy which couples would last and who would separate after listening to them interact for 15 minutes. It is difficult to risk opening up and feeling vulnerable to someone who you feel they will respond with criticism or they will discount your feelings. When we fear not being heard we retreat from the relationships. We may even avoid expressing our true needs and turn to others who are more understanding of your needs.  Too many negative comments drive you away from each other and contribute to creating a negative cycle between you.
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Your Treasured Relationships

5/1/2012

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Most relationships function on the same premises whether we are talking about parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, peer relationships or couples.  There is some form of positive reciprocal relationship. Both parties transmit and receive positive messages, meaning, interactions from each other over time.

Loving partners, parents, or people need to demonstrate their love for each other and accept and receive love sent their way. When couples come in for counseling I hear some people talk about not knowing that they are loved or card for or that they don’t feel the need to express their love or appreciation for the other person in the relationship.  "Oh she knows I love her" or "I don't know if she loves me because I don't hear her say that to me". 

Sometimes parents are afraid to tell their teens or young adult children that they love them because they did not receive that message themselves from their parents.  “We don't talk about emotions at home.” "They know I love them! After all I pay for their school or activities.”  “ You should know that I love you if you don’t then something is wrong with you." 

Yes you do. You do need to express your love and feelings to those you wish to be close to. We all want to know that we are valued and loved.

The number one reason relationships fail is because there is a lack of "love expression". People in healthy relationships express their love and appreciation for one another.  Love can be sent and received in many ways.

Whether you are a parent, a teen , a child, a senior, a lover or an adult, tell someone you care and love them. Love can be sent and received in many ways, from touch, to looks, words, gestures, deeds, tone of voice or service. Find your special way to express your love to the person you love. Ensure you love message is being heard and received. Ask your child, your teen, your parents, your partner 'Do they know that you love them?" See how they receive your message and change it if necessary so they do receive your loving message.
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"How to Talk to Your Children" Free talk by Karen McRae MSW RSW Jan 26

1/23/2012

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Parenting your children in today's world can be difficult. In the midst of our busy lives we are confronted with guiding our children through a variety of minefields.  This workshop will focus on developing and improving upon our relationships with our children. Having a supportive, trusting relationship with our kids will benefit them as they continue their journey towards adulthood.  

When:  January 26, 2012 6:30 – 8PM      
Where:  Suite 205, 300 March Road     
Please register online or call to reserve a seat as seating is limited
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Ottawa Summer and Divorce

6/8/2011

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Most of us look forward to summertime and vacations with our children and loved ones. Unfortunately all of that time off from work may be the prequel to spending time with a divorce lawyer. Most people would be surprised to hear that summer vacation can lead to summer divorce. Traditionally, the biggest number of break-ups as couples fight over Christmas occurs in January. Couples therapists and divorce lawyers warn that separations and divorces tend to raise over the summer moths and peak in September.

While we all crave the summer months, warm weather and time off after our long winters, summer vacation can be disastrous to couples. If your relationship has been strained throughout the winter, spending more time with your spouse can unfortunately inflame an already difficult situation. Sometimes people use work as a distraction from the trouble that is brewing in their relationships. Now instead of seeing your spouse for a few hours each night summer vacation can mean weeks of  one on one time with someone you fight with or you no longer know how to talk to.

If things have just not been working out in your love life, time off allows you the time for self reflection, the realization that your relationship is failing.  Couples with young children and young adults are more at risk to divorce. Yong children shift the focus in a relationship from each other to the children. While having young adults move out of the home leave parents realizing the no longer have anything in common with their spouse.

Couples counseling with a trained therapist can help alleviate the stress from your relationships. The goal of couples counselling is to help both partners to succeed, where in the past, or without therapy and counselling, the relationship may seem doomed. Counselling is non-judgmental and respectful of both parties. The therapist creates a safe environment to explore the challenges and difficulties both couples are experiencing in a non blaming environment.  The couple brings to therapy only a commitment to give counselling a chance.  If you are experiencing marital difficulties talk to a trained counsellor today. Counselling can help bring peace and love back into your relationship.
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    Nataxja Cini is the founder  of Family-Therapy.ca. She can be reached at
    ​613 287 3799. 

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