Nataxja Cini

Children are often the silent victims of divorce. Being dependent on their parents and other adults for guidance, emotionally, and economic support they do not usually have a say in what happens to them when their parents divorce. Too often children become pawns in a drawn out battle to resolve adult resentment, anger, disappointment, and hurt when marriages and relationships break down.

Hanna McDonough, Psychotherapist, a former lecturer for the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto, created a checklist of behaviours parents may do which lead to parental alienation syndrome. According to Hanna McDonough, parents send direct and subtle messages to their children that they reject of the other parent. It is exposure to these repeated messages overtime that cause the child to pull away from the other parent out of fear of losing the parent who is critical. McDonough states while some of these parenting behaviors are deliberate, parents may be unaware that others behaviours are negatively impacting their children and their own relationship with their child.

We are all aware of the negative impact parental fighting has on children. It is clear that blaming, belittling, being disrespectful of the other parent is harmful to your children relationship with his or hers other parent. Children are also susceptible to subtle messages. Parents need to avoid overly agreeing with your child when they are upset with their parent, making your child choose sides, giving too much information about your divorce or the failure of your relationship, or even rolling your eyes or being sarcastic when the other parents connects with your child.

She reminds all parents that the best way to love your child is to support his or her love for the other parent. This teaches your child to love you. When you undermine your child’s love for the other parent, you are teaching your child not to love you. More of her list and advice to parents can be read in her book Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents Breaking Up by Hanna McDonough and Christina Bartha.