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Nataxja Cini

Are you Sabotaging Your Relationships?

5/2/2012

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Are you pushing people away from you? Do you sometimes wonder why no one wants to spend time with you? Why the lunch room clears out when you show up?

Relationships need to be nourished. Just like a garden needs water to grow. Our relationships need to be nourished  with positive thoughts, words, and actions.While many people think of relationships as romantic relationships , relationships encompass parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, peer relationships or couples. 

The number two reason relationships fail is because there are too many anti love messages being sent and received. Too often we become critical or resentful of others. This happens when are needs are not being met and when we are unable to express what we need from others.
This happens especially when the other person has stepped on our toes and hurt of feelings.  At times it can be difficult to be open and honest when we fear retaliation, hostility or criticism.  When we feel there is a lack of understanding, we retreat into our hurt and become silent. Then when the pain is too much to bear we may lash out at each other in pain and anger.

John Gottman's research shows “lasting relationships need to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in order to last. His team predicted with amazing accuracy which couples would last and who would separate after listening to them interact for 15 minutes. It is difficult to risk opening up and feeling vulnerable to someone who you feel they will respond with criticism or they will discount your feelings. When we fear not being heard we retreat from the relationships. We may even avoid expressing our true needs and turn to others who are more understanding of your needs.  Too many negative comments drive you away from each other and contribute to creating a negative cycle between you.
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Tips for Seeking Forgiveness By Nataxja Cini, MSW RSW CCC

3/16/2012

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It’s not always easy to admit we’re wrong, when we’re hurt someone we love. As an adult it is important that we show our children how to forgive by demonstrating our asking for forgiveness from other adults and from our children. Here are some simple steps.

1.      Apologize. Genuinely, sincerely and directly. This is not the time to text your message.

2.      Take ownership. Accept full responsibility for your actions and words.

3.      Work to repair the relationship.  Take care to demonstrate that you can be reliable, trustworthy and caring. That your actions were an exception and not how you want to live your life.

4.      Acknowledge that trust may have been broken and feelings may have been hurt. Recognize that it takes time to rebuild trust. The person may not be ready to accept your apology right away and that the hurt may last for some time.  Verbalize your sincere apology and accept that it may take some time before you are forgiven.

5.      Forgive yourself. Realize you are human and you do make mistakes. Do not continue to beat yourself up after you recognize your mistakes.

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Can I reach for you?

12/28/2011

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What is more strengthening and healing than being understood and emotionally attached to my love? To pull away from each other can send the wrong message-- that your partner is unacceptable as he or she is or even I'm unacceptable the way I am.  When we withdraw for each other we only cause our partners and ourselves more pain. The distance from each other makes it more difficult to get the reassurance and comfort we need at this time. 

It is understandable that we withdraw though. What did we learn in previous love relationships and from our childhood? What messages did you receive as a child about needing to be comforted? Were you told to “grow up” or that “only sissies cry”?

It takes courage and brave heart to be able to turn to our partners or those who have hurt us and express our pain and hurt. After all at this moment of vulnerability we don’t know if they will respond with words of kindness, compassion or understanding. 

Compassion and attachment do not lead to going off “to get fixed”. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a way to guide couples and families to connect with their humanity. We all have deep longings, and needs. When we learn the dialogue and how to hear our partners talk about their pain we can listen to their pain without becoming defensive. We can learn to listen and learn something new about our partners and see them differently. Not as someone trying to hurt us but as someone who has their own pain and is trying to protect themselves from hurt by withdrawing. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy can teach you how to “reach” for each other when you are in pain. You can heal your pain and connect deeper with others.    
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    Author

    Nataxja Cini is the founder  of Family-Therapy.ca. She can be reached at
    ​613 287 3799. 

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