Nataxja Cini

In this day of instant messaging and texting we sometimes forget that " hearing your voice” can be more important than just our words. 

In a new study led by Leslie Seltzer of the University of Wisconsin, girls who had heard mothers' words were consoled compared to girls who didn’t talk to their mothers at all and girls who only communicated through texting. Researchers looked at the girls’ cortisol and oxytocin levels before and after completing a math test. Cortisol levels are related to our stress levels. Oxytocin is associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships. 

Girls who heard their mother's voice, either in person or on the phone, were consoled. Their oxytocin levels rose, (which means they felt connected to their mothers) and their cortisol levels dropped (which means they felt less stressed after the conversations.)

What does this all mean to kids, parents, and couples?  Texting is fine for everyday conversations such as “ supper at 6 pm or Do you anything from the grocery store?”  But maybe a personal phone call is in order for “ How was your test today?” or other potential emotional conversations.

What did we learn?  
Researchers believe we miss emotional cues when texting.   And not all conversations are best handled over texting. Person to person verbal conversation is the best to transmit and receive verbal emotional cues from each other and to emotionally connect with our loved ones. 


Enjoy the clip. Let me know what you think?

What do we do, that makes the significant people in our lives feel we value them? One way is to make them feel we value what they have to say.  Feeling heard helps people to feel that their emotions are valid. Learning to listen is a vital part of our relationships with others. Can you listen to your partner or children in a way that makes them feel heard and validated? 

Learning is a skill and it’s not an easy skill to learn.  Sometimes we carry on a conversation in our head or out loud while someone else is talking.  Our relationships, whether at home or at work depend upon us being good listeners.  And I’m not talking about just mindlessly nodding your head and saying hmmm ever so often.

Good listening involves focusing solely on the speaker. This means to put away all other distractions, your mobile or PDA, stop trying to cook dinner or shuffle your papers, or what other distraction there may be. Turn and look at the speaker –make eye contact. Become actively involved in listening.  Focus solely on listening.

By looking at the speaker maybe you can learn more about what they are saying.  What is the person not saying to you that you can pick up by their subtle body language? How are they holding themselves, what is the look on their face?

Next time you’re having a conversation with someone listen intently.  Don’t let your email or your cell phone interrupt the conversation. Look at them and see if you can make a better connection with hem as you give them all of your attention.  While you may not see the results immediately you may just be surprised on how this simple change can improve your relationships.