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Nataxja Cini

Are you Sabotaging Your Relationships?

5/2/2012

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Are you pushing people away from you? Do you sometimes wonder why no one wants to spend time with you? Why the lunch room clears out when you show up?

Relationships need to be nourished. Just like a garden needs water to grow. Our relationships need to be nourished  with positive thoughts, words, and actions.While many people think of relationships as romantic relationships , relationships encompass parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, peer relationships or couples. 

The number two reason relationships fail is because there are too many anti love messages being sent and received. Too often we become critical or resentful of others. This happens when are needs are not being met and when we are unable to express what we need from others.
This happens especially when the other person has stepped on our toes and hurt of feelings.  At times it can be difficult to be open and honest when we fear retaliation, hostility or criticism.  When we feel there is a lack of understanding, we retreat into our hurt and become silent. Then when the pain is too much to bear we may lash out at each other in pain and anger.

John Gottman's research shows “lasting relationships need to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in order to last. His team predicted with amazing accuracy which couples would last and who would separate after listening to them interact for 15 minutes. It is difficult to risk opening up and feeling vulnerable to someone who you feel they will respond with criticism or they will discount your feelings. When we fear not being heard we retreat from the relationships. We may even avoid expressing our true needs and turn to others who are more understanding of your needs.  Too many negative comments drive you away from each other and contribute to creating a negative cycle between you.
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Can I listen when I'm angry?

11/10/2011

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It is difficult to hear others when we are so consumed by our own pain. It takes a lot of courage and strength to say "Yes I have been hurt, angry, in pain and I want to understand how things went wrong." Forgiveness requires compassion. It takes compassion for yourself to hear what the other person has to say. It takes compassion for the other person to listen without judging or being defensive. 

Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself. Give yourself the space to heal.  See if you can listen to the other person and try to understand how things went wrong from the other person's perspective. Listening does not mean you agree or condone the behaviour. Forgiveness allows you to heal from your pain and the hurt you're experiencing.
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Forgiveness

6/2/2011

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As we go through life we discover that people will hurt us by their behaviours or actions. we are usually hurt the most by those who are the closest to us , who know us the most intimately. We have all been emotionally or physically hurt by someone.  We can all recall the sting of a harsh word, or the pain of a broken heart or the disappointment that someone has let you down. Sometimes the result of people's behaviours and words lead us to feelings of bitterness and even thoughts of revenge or retaliation. We may know the sadness of being hurt or the anger and rage when we feel we have been violated.

Unfortunately holding onto the negative emotions of bitterness, resentment, retaliation, or revenge harms us emotionally and physically. Living with resentment can lead to poor health outcomes such as depression, high blood pressure or even chronic pain.  

Sadly, we sometimes believe that forgiving others is a sign of weakness.  Or that forgiveness means we condone the act that was done  towards us. Forgiveness does not deny the other person's responsibility for their actions or words.

The process of letting go of this hurt and pain is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It allows you to be free from the pain of resentment and hurt. When you forgive, there is  a lessening of your pain, anger or hurt. You have released the negative emotion.  You remember the event or words which caused you the pain but you carry the hurt in a different way with a a different understanding. You still remember the event but you have released the pain.

Forgiveness is a process which you may need to go through numerous times. You may be able to release some of the pain but still experience a sense of loss. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the event or pretending it did not happen. Forgiveness is allowing yourself to have compassion for yourself to free yourself from your anger and resentment.

Dr. Daniel Klassenan, an expert in forgiveness, states that "Forgiving is for the purpose of repairing relationships which have been put at risk through offences and injustices." Our relationship with the person who has hurt us is usually too good too close to discard. Through forgiveness we repair our relationships.

Sometimes we are so angry we cannot see a way to forgive or how to let go of our rage. If you are unable to let go of your rage and bitterness you may bring these negative emotions into your other relationships.  The first step towards forgiveness is giving yourself permission to feel your hurt, anger and pain. You have the right to your feelings. The next step is for you to decide what you want to do and where do you want to go. Forgiveness is a personal choice. Sometimes you may not be ready to forgive or you may feel stuck and unable to move on. Talking to a therapist, counsellor or psychologist can help you uncover your anger and start the journey towards forgiveness and your personal freedom.

Enjoy the video on Forgiveness by Humanity Healing Projects
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    Author

    Nataxja Cini is the founder  of Family-Therapy.ca. She can be reached at
    ​613 287 3799. 

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