Nataxja Cini

I have a present for you, but I need to borrow your arms for wrapping paper.
~Author Unknown
We all love to receive and give hugs. Well that’s not quite 100% true. Many of us love to receive and give hugs. You might use hugs to express your love  and affection for your family and friends. Some of us hug as a way of saying hello and goodbye. But unfortunately hugging  someone else or receiving a hug may make some of us uncomfortable. And we need to respect differences.
Reasons to Give and Get Hugs Daily  Hugs make us feel GOODHugging helps to release a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone is called “love hormone”. People who have recently “fallen in love” seem to have the highest levels of oxytocin when compared with single people who are not in a relationship. Higher levels of oxytocin are also associated with reduced stress and more pro social behaviours.
Hugs can reduce our stressHugging reduces your stress levels. Who would choose stress over a hug? Hugging reduces the tension in your body which then helps calm you.
Hugs make us feel connected and lovedWe all know how wonderful it is to receive hugs by someone who loves us and supports us. Hugs are a great way to keep connected and demonstrate our love for each other. Giving or receiving a hug can create a sense of trust between people.
Hugs are universalEven if you don’t speak someone’s language, hugs are understood by everyone. So many emotions can be conveyed in a hug. You can offer, friendship, peace, empathy and understanding through a hug.

Children are often the silent victims of divorce. Being dependent on their parents and other adults for guidance, emotionally, and economic support they do not usually have a say in what happens to them when their parents divorce. Too often children become pawns in a drawn out battle to resolve adult resentment, anger, disappointment, and hurt when marriages and relationships break down.

Hanna McDonough, Psychotherapist, a former lecturer for the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto, created a checklist of behaviours parents may do which lead to parental alienation syndrome. According to Hanna McDonough, parents send direct and subtle messages to their children that they reject of the other parent. It is exposure to these repeated messages overtime that cause the child to pull away from the other parent out of fear of losing the parent who is critical. McDonough states while some of these parenting behaviors are deliberate, parents may be unaware that others behaviours are negatively impacting their children and their own relationship with their child.

We are all aware of the negative impact parental fighting has on children. It is clear that blaming, belittling, being disrespectful of the other parent is harmful to your children relationship with his or hers other parent. Children are also susceptible to subtle messages. Parents need to avoid overly agreeing with your child when they are upset with their parent, making your child choose sides, giving too much information about your divorce or the failure of your relationship, or even rolling your eyes or being sarcastic when the other parents connects with your child.

She reminds all parents that the best way to love your child is to support his or her love for the other parent. This teaches your child to love you. When you undermine your child’s love for the other parent, you are teaching your child not to love you. More of her list and advice to parents can be read in her book Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents Breaking Up by Hanna McDonough and Christina Bartha.

Just finished reading a great book “The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It: Over the Edge and Back with My Dad, My Cat, and Me” by Geneen Roth. An inspiring story of how a white cat and a woman overcame the loss and emptiness she felt inside, learnt to love unconditionally, and accept that loosing someone was not as unbearable as she thought it would be. A lovely story for adults on how you can overcome  a distant parent and learn to love and trust other.

It is difficult to hear others when we are so consumed by our own pain. It takes a lot of courage and strength to say “Yes I have been hurt, angry, in pain and I want to understand how things went wrong.” Forgiveness requires compassion. It takes compassion for yourself to hear what the other person has to say. It takes compassion for the other person to listen without judging or being defensive.

Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself. Give yourself the space to heal.  See if you can listen to the other person and try to understand how things went wrong from the other person’s perspective. Listening does not mean you agree or condone the behaviour. Forgiveness allows you to heal from your pain and the hurt you’re experiencing.

We all get angry from time to time. Traffic jams, line-ups at the store, computer crashes, humidity, and heat are some of the things that can make our tempers flare. Anger is a normal, healthy human emotion. It tells us we’ve reached our limits or this is an emotionally raw spot for us. Anger causes our blood pressure and our heart rate to increase.  Some people even turn bright red when they’re angry.

Some people lash out in rage physically or verbally. Some people redirect their anger and release it by doing something physical or engaging in an activity that will release their emotions. Others hold in their anger, suppressing their emotions.

Unfortunately some of responses to our anger are unhealthy and lead to more problems. We can’t just lash out at others or object that annoys us. This just doesn’t make sense. Suppressing your anger has been medically proved to cause high blood pressure, and even depression. Swallowing your anger is no better. Sometimes people have difficulty expressing their anger in a healthy manner.

So do you deal with your anger? Anger is often regarded as a negative emotion. You may have ben taught that it’s all right to positive emotions but not to express anger or other uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes we never learnt how to deal with or constructively manage our anger.

One place to start is to explore what triggers your anger. Get a better understand of what makes you frustrated or explosive.  And then develop ways to keep yourself from boiling over. Another strategy is to develop positive ways to express your needs. Sometimes people boil over after they have kept silent for a long time.  It’s important to learn how to express your needs in a positive manner that does not harm others.

If you feel that your anger is out of control, if it has an impact on your close relationships and on important parts of your life, it might be time to talk to a therapist about learning how to control your anger.

While the marriage may be over, parents will be connected to each other as co-parents for the rest of their lives and through each stage of their kids’ lives — from pre-school, the turbulent teens, college and beyond. It is possible for divorced parents to be successful co-parents and raise strong resilient children.

This is a stressful period for all of you. It takes time and tremendous patience to learn to separate your emotions about your marriage,  your ex spouse and the divorce from parenting issues. Unfortunately, if you and your spouse had difficulty communicating and resolving issues while married, it won’t get easier right now. At least not while you still harbour resentment and anger towards your ex partner. Take the time to do your own emotional work, resolving your feelings of hurt, loss, and pain. This will not disappear over night but by talking about your issues with a therapist you can diminish these negative emotions over time.

Here are some tips to help keep your kids out of the emotional roller coaster of divorce

1) Don’t try to get your child to side with you against the other parent. No matter how awful the separation and the divorce was for you, your child still loves and cares for his or her other parent. You child still needs contact and a positive connection with their parent. imagine how terrible it would be for your child, if your child was alienated from you.

2) Do reassure your child that he/she did not do anything to cause the divorce. Children may blame themselves for your problems. Reassure them that this is a grown up issue and had nothing to do with them or their behaviour.

3) Do tell your child that you will continue to love him/her. Reassure your child that just because Mom and Dad no longer get along this does not mean they are unloved. Try to explain to him or her in an age appropriate manner that sometimes grown ups grow apart and need to have their own homes. But your child will always have you and your love.

4) Don’t badmouth your ex, his or her parents, or other family members. Children have an amazing ability to overhear stories you don’t want them to know.  They love their relatives too and will be confused by these negative messages. Hearing you sprout negative messages about people they love, will damage your relationship with your child in the longterm.

5) Do see if you and your ex can create some common ground rules for your children. Of course this may not be easy and you both are individuals with different perspectives.  The more consistency your child experiences the better for your child. These rules do not have to be identical by similar.  If you’re not able to agree on any rules, seeing a family therapist can be helpful to create a safe environment to discuss these issues in a non judgemental way.

6) While seeing your ex may make you see red. Allow your child to access to their other parent by phone or through visits. It is difficult for a child to be away from their other parent. Most times children have no say in visitation rights or custody arrangements. Try to create custody arrangements that are age appropriate, provide consistency and security for your child.

7) Do not use your children as messengers. While it’s tempting to get your child to carry messages to Mom or Dad “cause they are seeing them anyhow…” your child will be placed between the two of you. This is an unpleasant and uncomfortable position for your child. If you find it difficult to make your request in person, then email or leave a voice message for your ex.

8) Take charge of your life. Divorce throws everyone for a loop. Get your own emotions under control. If you fall apart or get depressed and withdrawn, your children may experience these negative emotions as well. Take the time to care for yourself. Work out, connect with friends, or find a hobby you enjoy to nourish yourself. Talk with a therapist if you find yourself still grieving or seething months after your separation or divorce. DOn’t allow yourself to become stuck in these negative emotions.

9) You don’t have to be best friends with your ex, but you do need to work very hard to have a pleasant relationship. Seek help if you are burdened by long term anger or grief.  Allow a therapist to guide you to calmer state. Be a positive role model to your children. Show them that you can recover and overcome negative emotional set backs.

1. Accept things you can’t change. If you can change them and want to change them then go ahead and make the changes.

2. Let go of the people who are holding you down. If you stop and think about this, you already know who these people are.

3. Blast your favorite upbeat song and sing at the top of your lungs, dancing as you go along. Music can really lift up your spirits.

4. Go for a run, exercise do something physical. We know scientifically that moving gets your blood flowing and helps release endorphins, which will make you feel better.

5. Call someone you love. Hearing the voice of someone who loves you can make your day feel better. There’s scientific proof to back up this claim too!

6. Smile! Seriously just smile you may not feel like a million dollars but smiling can make you feel better and who knows you might make someone else smile too.

7. Send an anonymous compliment to someone. Leave it on someone’s desk, their car windshield, their mailbox or the table at the restaurant.

8. Write down the things you like about yourself. Remind yourself of your strengths.

9. Watch your favorite movie, read your favorite book or your favorite cartoons.

10. Realize you are your own biggest critic. People don’t see the faults in yourself that you do. Realize these are not faults but imperfections. They help make you individually you.

“No Thanks, We’re Fine: Supporting Families Living with Alzheimer’s”. As our population ages more people will be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and more wives, husbands, children will be a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer’s disease. If you are caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease access services and support groups. Ask for services and support before there is a crisis. http://www.champlainhealthline.ca/libraryContent.aspx?id=20087

As we age, it is inevitable that our bodies will change. Becoming a senior does not mean you should expect to become sedentary. Many seniors live active lives and even busier than ever. Here are some facts about aging.

1) As we age, our eye color gets lighter.

2) As we age, we worry that we are becoming more forgetful. Memory loss and confusion are not a normal part of growing older.

3) As we age, falls become an increasingly common reason for injuries and death. Sight, hearing, muscle strength, coordination, and reflexes can decrease as we age. Your balance can be affected by diabetes and heart disease, or by some medications.

4) As we age, our skin changes. Sunlight is a major cause of the skin aging wrinkles, dryness, and age spots. Use sunscreen and wear a hat.

5) After 40, your eyesight starts to weaken and eventually you may require bifocals and glasses. Near 60, some people develop cataracts and macular degeneration. Your hearing will decline with age but women will always hear better than men.

6) Aging can make it more difficult for you to regulate your body temperature. This is why we sometimes see older people wearing sweaters in the summer months and having trouble adjusting to changes in temperature.

7) Aging is a natural process. While you may be physically slower you can still expect to be mentally alert as you age. Engage your mind by reading or other actives tha are mentally chaenging