While the marriage may be over, parents will be connected to each other as co-parents for the rest of their lives and through each stage of their kids’ lives — from pre-school, the turbulent teens, college and beyond. It is possible for divorced parents to be successful co-parents and raise strong resilient children.
This is a stressful period for all of you. It takes time and tremendous patience to learn to separate your emotions about your marriage, your ex spouse and the divorce from parenting issues. Unfortunately, if you and your spouse had difficulty communicating and resolving issues while married, it won’t get easier right now. At least not while you still harbour resentment and anger towards your ex partner. Take the time to do your own emotional work, resolving your feelings of hurt, loss, and pain. This will not disappear over night but by talking about your issues with a therapist you can diminish these negative emotions over time.
Here are some tips to help keep your kids out of the emotional roller coaster of divorce
1) Don’t try to get your child to side with you against the other parent. No matter how awful the separation and the divorce was for you, your child still loves and cares for his or her other parent. You child still needs contact and a positive connection with their parent. imagine how terrible it would be for your child, if your child was alienated from you.
2) Do reassure your child that he/she did not do anything to cause the divorce. Children may blame themselves for your problems. Reassure them that this is a grown up issue and had nothing to do with them or their behaviour.
3) Do tell your child that you will continue to love him/her. Reassure your child that just because Mom and Dad no longer get along this does not mean they are unloved. Try to explain to him or her in an age appropriate manner that sometimes grown ups grow apart and need to have their own homes. But your child will always have you and your love.
4) Don’t badmouth your ex, his or her parents, or other family members. Children have an amazing ability to overhear stories you don’t want them to know. They love their relatives too and will be confused by these negative messages. Hearing you sprout negative messages about people they love, will damage your relationship with your child in the longterm.
5) Do see if you and your ex can create some common ground rules for your children. Of course this may not be easy and you both are individuals with different perspectives. The more consistency your child experiences the better for your child. These rules do not have to be identical by similar. If you’re not able to agree on any rules, seeing a family therapist can be helpful to create a safe environment to discuss these issues in a non judgemental way.
6) While seeing your ex may make you see red. Allow your child to access to their other parent by phone or through visits. It is difficult for a child to be away from their other parent. Most times children have no say in visitation rights or custody arrangements. Try to create custody arrangements that are age appropriate, provide consistency and security for your child.
7) Do not use your children as messengers. While it’s tempting to get your child to carry messages to Mom or Dad “cause they are seeing them anyhow…” your child will be placed between the two of you. This is an unpleasant and uncomfortable position for your child. If you find it difficult to make your request in person, then email or leave a voice message for your ex.
8) Take charge of your life. Divorce throws everyone for a loop. Get your own emotions under control. If you fall apart or get depressed and withdrawn, your children may experience these negative emotions as well. Take the time to care for yourself. Work out, connect with friends, or find a hobby you enjoy to nourish yourself. Talk with a therapist if you find yourself still grieving or seething months after your separation or divorce. DOn’t allow yourself to become stuck in these negative emotions.
9) You don’t have to be best friends with your ex, but you do need to work very hard to have a pleasant relationship. Seek help if you are burdened by long term anger or grief. Allow a therapist to guide you to calmer state. Be a positive role model to your children. Show them that you can recover and overcome negative emotional set backs.
This is a stressful period for all of you. It takes time and tremendous patience to learn to separate your emotions about your marriage, your ex spouse and the divorce from parenting issues. Unfortunately, if you and your spouse had difficulty communicating and resolving issues while married, it won’t get easier right now. At least not while you still harbour resentment and anger towards your ex partner. Take the time to do your own emotional work, resolving your feelings of hurt, loss, and pain. This will not disappear over night but by talking about your issues with a therapist you can diminish these negative emotions over time.
Here are some tips to help keep your kids out of the emotional roller coaster of divorce
1) Don’t try to get your child to side with you against the other parent. No matter how awful the separation and the divorce was for you, your child still loves and cares for his or her other parent. You child still needs contact and a positive connection with their parent. imagine how terrible it would be for your child, if your child was alienated from you.
2) Do reassure your child that he/she did not do anything to cause the divorce. Children may blame themselves for your problems. Reassure them that this is a grown up issue and had nothing to do with them or their behaviour.
3) Do tell your child that you will continue to love him/her. Reassure your child that just because Mom and Dad no longer get along this does not mean they are unloved. Try to explain to him or her in an age appropriate manner that sometimes grown ups grow apart and need to have their own homes. But your child will always have you and your love.
4) Don’t badmouth your ex, his or her parents, or other family members. Children have an amazing ability to overhear stories you don’t want them to know. They love their relatives too and will be confused by these negative messages. Hearing you sprout negative messages about people they love, will damage your relationship with your child in the longterm.
5) Do see if you and your ex can create some common ground rules for your children. Of course this may not be easy and you both are individuals with different perspectives. The more consistency your child experiences the better for your child. These rules do not have to be identical by similar. If you’re not able to agree on any rules, seeing a family therapist can be helpful to create a safe environment to discuss these issues in a non judgemental way.
6) While seeing your ex may make you see red. Allow your child to access to their other parent by phone or through visits. It is difficult for a child to be away from their other parent. Most times children have no say in visitation rights or custody arrangements. Try to create custody arrangements that are age appropriate, provide consistency and security for your child.
7) Do not use your children as messengers. While it’s tempting to get your child to carry messages to Mom or Dad “cause they are seeing them anyhow…” your child will be placed between the two of you. This is an unpleasant and uncomfortable position for your child. If you find it difficult to make your request in person, then email or leave a voice message for your ex.
8) Take charge of your life. Divorce throws everyone for a loop. Get your own emotions under control. If you fall apart or get depressed and withdrawn, your children may experience these negative emotions as well. Take the time to care for yourself. Work out, connect with friends, or find a hobby you enjoy to nourish yourself. Talk with a therapist if you find yourself still grieving or seething months after your separation or divorce. DOn’t allow yourself to become stuck in these negative emotions.
9) You don’t have to be best friends with your ex, but you do need to work very hard to have a pleasant relationship. Seek help if you are burdened by long term anger or grief. Allow a therapist to guide you to calmer state. Be a positive role model to your children. Show them that you can recover and overcome negative emotional set backs.
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