Nataxja Cini

Marital distress and breakdown is tough enough to witness and experience. While adults make the choices on how they dissolve their relationship, children have little say on how marital breakdown affects their lives. It’s important to remember to help create safety and stability during this difficult period. Helping your child cope with your divorce means providing safety and stability while providing reassuring emotional support.  While this is a difficult time for everyone, children are more vulnerable to feeling abandoned or responsible for marital breakdowns.

Here a few tips on helping your child.
1)      If appropriate both you and your partner need to jointly tell your children that the marriage is over. Keep this simple without blaming. Younger children do not require a lot of detail. Be prepared that older children will ask more complicated questions. Before telling your children try to think of some of the difficult questions they may ask and how you are going to respond to these questions. Keep your answers age appropriate. Children do not need to know all of the details as to why you are getting divorced. Remember just as you are scared of what the future may bring, your children have their own fears and need to be reassured you will be there for them even if they do not live full time. Be prepared to revisit this topic at other times and ask them if they have any questions. Some children may be afraid to ask questions or truly not understand what is happening.

2)      Reassure your children.  Your children need to know you will be there to support them emotionally and physically. Try to maintain their usually routines as much as possible. By maintaining their usually routines, your children will be reassured that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. Be prepared that children may react differently. Some children regress to more babyish behaviours, others may try and take on more grown up behaviours, while some children get into more trouble and mischief in order to get express their own angers and fears. Be prepared to spend more one on one time with your children telling them you love them and you will all get through this together.

3)      Please stop fighting in person or on the phone in front of your children. While you may no longer love or get along with your partner they will always be your children’s parent. Please reframe from being critical of your ex-spouse. This can be particularly difficult if you feel betrayed or deeply wounded by your ex-spouse. You may also need to tell your family members not to bad mouth your spouse in order to protect your children. Even if your partner has been hurtful or spiteful, speaking poorly about them does hurt your children. Research shows that the biggest single factor in long-term adjustment to divorce is the children’s level of exposure to parental conflict.

4)      Allow your child as much open contact and communication with their other parent. Divorce is difficult for everyone, especially for children who don’t understand why Mom or Dad can live with them full time anymore. Allow your child to freely contact the other parent or to talk to you about missing their parent. It’s important that your children do not feel they have to choose who they love.

5)      Help your child adjust to this new reality by allowing your child to express his or her feelings. Your child may express feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, or loss. It’s important that your child knows she or he can talk to you about how divorce has disrupted his or her world.  You can help your child process his or her loss by in initiating conversations about their emotions and feelings. Acknowledge their feelings validates your children and lets them know your hear and respect their feelings.

Marital distress and breakdown is tough enough to witness and experience. While adults make the choices on how they dissolve their relationship, children have little say on how marital breakdown affects their lives. It’s important to remember to help create safety and stability during this difficult period. Helping your child cope with your divorce means providing safety and stability while providing reassuring emotional support.  While this is a difficult time for everyone, children are more vulnerable to feeling abandoned or responsible for marital breakdowns.

Here a few tips on helping your child.
1)      If appropriate both you and your partner need to jointly tell your children that the marriage is over. Keep this simple without blaming. Younger children do not require a lot of detail. Be prepared that older children will ask more complicated questions. Before telling your children try to think of some of the difficult questions they may ask and how you are going to respond to these questions. Keep your answers age appropriate. Children do not need to know all of the details as to why you are getting divorced. Remember just as you are scared of what the future may bring, your children have their own fears and need to be reassured you will be there for them even if they do not live full time. Be prepared to revisit this topic at other times and ask them if they have any questions. Some children may be afraid to ask questions or truly not understand what is happening.

2)      Reassure your children.  Your children need to know you will be there to support them emotionally and physically. Try to maintain their usually routines as much as possible. By maintaining their usually routines, your children will be reassured that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. Be prepared that children may react differently. Some children regress to more babyish behaviours, others may try and take on more grown up behaviours, while some children get into more trouble and mischief in order to get express their own angers and fears. Be prepared to spend more one on one time with your children telling them you love them and you will all get through this together.

3)      Please stop fighting in person or on the phone in front of your children. While you may no longer love or get along with your partner they will always be your children’s parent. Please reframe from being critical of your ex-spouse. This can be particularly difficult if you feel betrayed or deeply wounded by your ex-spouse. You may also need to tell your family members not to bad mouth your spouse in order to protect your children. Even if your partner has been hurtful or spiteful, speaking poorly about them does hurt your children. Research shows that the biggest single factor in long-term adjustment to divorce is the children’s level of exposure to parental conflict.

4)      Allow your child as much open contact and communication with their other parent. Divorce is difficult for everyone, especially for children who don’t understand why Mom or Dad can live with them full time anymore. Allow your child to freely contact the other parent or to talk to you about missing their parent. It’s important that your children do not feel they have to choose who they love.

5)      Help your child adjust to this new reality by allowing your child to express his or her feelings. Your child may express feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, or loss. It’s important that your child knows she or he can talk to you about how divorce has disrupted his or her world.  You can help your child process his or her loss by in initiating conversations about their emotions and feelings. Acknowledge their feelings validates your children and lets them know your hear and respect their feelings.