Nataxja Cini

I am thrilled to report that Family-Therapy has been nominated as Kanata's 2011 People’s Choice Business for the Health & Wellness Business of the Year. How exciting! Here at Family-Therapy we work hard to provide quality counselling services to our clients.

As a therapist, I am passionate about providing compassionate counselling services to the residents of Kanata. I truly believe there is a need for all inclusive therapy and counselling services here in Kanata. Whether you are a child, teenager, young or mature adult single, couple or a family, there are times when we need a place to be heard, listened to, and understood. I believe that Family-Therapy can provide you with a safe environment to explore your inner world and achieve your dreams. I believe you can create the positive loving relationship you want with your partner, your family, your children, and with yourself.

What is more strengthening and healing than being understood and emotionally attached to my love? To pull away from each other can send the wrong message-- that your partner is unacceptable as he or she is or even I'm unacceptable the way I am.  When we withdraw for each other we only cause our partners and ourselves more pain. The distance from each other makes it more difficult to get the reassurance and comfort we need at this time. 

It is understandable that we withdraw though. What did we learn in previous love relationships and from our childhood? What messages did you receive as a child about needing to be comforted? Were you told to “grow up” or that “only sissies cry”?

It takes courage and brave heart to be able to turn to our partners or those who have hurt us and express our pain and hurt. After all at this moment of vulnerability we don’t know if they will respond with words of kindness, compassion or understanding. 

Compassion and attachment do not lead to going off “to get fixed”. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a way to guide couples and families to connect with their humanity. We all have deep longings, and needs. When we learn the dialogue and how to hear our partners talk about their pain we can listen to their pain without becoming defensive. We can learn to listen and learn something new about our partners and see them differently. Not as someone trying to hurt us but as someone who has their own pain and is trying to protect themselves from hurt by withdrawing. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy can teach you how to “reach” for each other when you are in pain. You can heal your pain and connect deeper with others.    

6) Communicate directly with your ex-spouse.  While it may be difficult to have to talk with someone you’re upset with passing messages through your children harms them. No child wants to be the messenger for Mom or Dad. Avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you. If it’s difficult to be civil when speaking to your ex agree to leave voice messages, text messages or emails to exchange important information regarding your children. Do not withhold important or urgent information from the other parent. In the end, this makes you look foolish and only creates more hostility between the two of you.

7) Don’t ask your child what is happening at Mom or Dad’s house. This causes your child to feel he or she needs to choose sides. Children will be resentful of you if they feel they need to provide you with a report of what the other parent is doing.

8) Allow the other parent to still be your child’s parent even after you have divorced and are living separate lives. Children need to know they are still loved by both parents and they are not the cause of the divorce.  Even if it’s painful to encounter your ex at parent teacher interviews or sporting events, take the high ground and remember your child needs both parents to be involved in his or her life.

9) Find ways to manage your own stress. Getting divorced is never quick and easy. Your children need you to provide them with support as they go through this difficult transition. Make sure to take time for yourself. This could means simple things like taking a bath after the children are in bed, exercising, talking with your friends, or listening to your favorite music. Seek out your friends or a divorce support group for support or to express your emotions. You should never turn to your children to discuss your marital difficulties even if they offer you support.

10) Seek professional help when needed. It’s not easy to overcome your sense of loss or your children’s loss when there is a divorce.  It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce. If things get worse rather than better after several months, it may be time to seek professional help for yourself and your children.  Professional help may be warranted if you or your children are experiencing difficulty sleeping, withdrawal from favorite activities, inability to concentrate, frequent angry outbursts or bouts of crying months after the divorce. Keep your children’s teachers informed of your divorce so they can keep an eye out for unusual behaviour and may be able to offer your child support at school.

1)     Be aware of expecting perfection

2)     Be realistic to what you can accomplish given your time limitations

3)     Involve family members in your holiday preparations

4)     Give yourself permission to say no

5)     Recognize the signs of stress

6)     Include downtime as part of your holiday

7)     Keep your regular routines so your children don’t become overwhelmed

8)     Remind your children of your expectations. Praise, appreciate and encourage them for showing proper behaviour. This works for adults too.

9)     Physical activity helps reduce tension and burns off calories

10) SIt back, relax, and enjoy yourself

Happy Holidays from the Family-Therapy Team

During the Christmas season we are exposed to a variety of images of people celebrating the “perfect holiday”. After all it’s too easy to create the perfect holiday on TV with million dollar budgets and an army of people to decorate your home, style your hair and clothing and cook that perfect meal. Not to mention everyone is in a festive mood and all the kids and adults are on their best behavior.  Yes the “Perfect Christmas” can be recreated, but at what cost in terms of stress to yourself and your family? 

With both parents working, children to care for, extended family visiting and a household to run most of us do not want to spend our precious free time creating the perfect celebration. The expectations you have around the holidays are directly related to the level of stress you and your family will experience if your goals are unrealistic.

This year instead of struggling to create the “Perfect Christmas” why not reflect and explore what you and your family would like as your Christmas celebration. What do you want from this season’s celebrations? What are your family’s needs and desires?  And how do you want to spend this time together as a family? Does this involve a lot of time running to the mall in search of the perfect present? Rather, would spending quality time watching movies, going for walks or some form of family activity be better? Consider what needs to happen during this holiday season in order to create a fun and relaxing time for yourself and your loved ones.    

Marital distress and breakdown is tough enough to witness and experience. While adults make the choices on how they dissolve their relationship, children have little say on how marital breakdown affects their lives. It’s important to remember to help create safety and stability during this difficult period. Helping your child cope with your divorce means providing safety and stability while providing reassuring emotional support.  While this is a difficult time for everyone, children are more vulnerable to feeling abandoned or responsible for marital breakdowns.

Here a few tips on helping your child.
1)      If appropriate both you and your partner need to jointly tell your children that the marriage is over. Keep this simple without blaming. Younger children do not require a lot of detail. Be prepared that older children will ask more complicated questions. Before telling your children try to think of some of the difficult questions they may ask and how you are going to respond to these questions. Keep your answers age appropriate. Children do not need to know all of the details as to why you are getting divorced. Remember just as you are scared of what the future may bring, your children have their own fears and need to be reassured you will be there for them even if they do not live full time. Be prepared to revisit this topic at other times and ask them if they have any questions. Some children may be afraid to ask questions or truly not understand what is happening.

2)      Reassure your children.  Your children need to know you will be there to support them emotionally and physically. Try to maintain their usually routines as much as possible. By maintaining their usually routines, your children will be reassured that they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. Be prepared that children may react differently. Some children regress to more babyish behaviours, others may try and take on more grown up behaviours, while some children get into more trouble and mischief in order to get express their own angers and fears. Be prepared to spend more one on one time with your children telling them you love them and you will all get through this together.

3)      Please stop fighting in person or on the phone in front of your children. While you may no longer love or get along with your partner they will always be your children’s parent. Please reframe from being critical of your ex-spouse. This can be particularly difficult if you feel betrayed or deeply wounded by your ex-spouse. You may also need to tell your family members not to bad mouth your spouse in order to protect your children. Even if your partner has been hurtful or spiteful, speaking poorly about them does hurt your children. Research shows that the biggest single factor in long-term adjustment to divorce is the children’s level of exposure to parental conflict.

4)      Allow your child as much open contact and communication with their other parent. Divorce is difficult for everyone, especially for children who don’t understand why Mom or Dad can live with them full time anymore. Allow your child to freely contact the other parent or to talk to you about missing their parent. It’s important that your children do not feel they have to choose who they love.

5)      Help your child adjust to this new reality by allowing your child to express his or her feelings. Your child may express feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, or loss. It’s important that your child knows she or he can talk to you about how divorce has disrupted his or her world.  You can help your child process his or her loss by in initiating conversations about their emotions and feelings. Acknowledge their feelings validates your children and lets them know your hear and respect their feelings.

Our children are our love and joy. Many of us shower our children daily with our love by doing for our children. As parents we spend a large portion of time caring and doing for our children. Driving them to school, after school activities, sporting events, music lessons, having sleepovers and play dates for them. After a full day at the office whether you work full-time or part-time, caring for our children is another full time position.  We show our children how much we love them by doing and caring for them.

The question I have for you is how many of us invest in ourselves as much as we invest in our children? Do you think yourself as being as important as your child? How many times do we see children so well kept and dressed yet Mom and Dad are a bit shabby? Do you think of yourself as important? Send your children the message you value yourself. You are important! As your child’s parent you play an important role in molding your child’s expectations and norms. Let your child develop the sense that you love and care for yourself.

By caring and respecting yourself your child will learn to value you and your time. Your child will develop a greater sense of respect for you  and a greater respect for the love you share.

When's the best time to work on your marriage? Every day! It's too easy to take each other for granted. Care for your marriage just like you take care of your car or your furnace. Just as we send our car to the garage for a tune and bring in the maintenance guy to tune up our AC or furnace our relationships all need tune ups to keep them in working condition. What's a tune up? Something as simple as creating special time together to talk about your relationship and future plans together or even seeing a marriage counsellor to see if you can smooth of some rough spots before they turn into pot holes.

Need help calming down your mind? This book is just for that. The teachings of Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor and world-renowned trainer of mindfulness mediation are simple and easy to read in his book: ‘Wherever You Go, There You Are’. Mindfulness mediations are described in a demystified language that helps us grasp what is at the root of practices that help calm our minds in an otherwise hectic, modern urban lifestyle. The techniques of re-grounding, re-centering and refocusing are particularly useful – and they are especially useful if you are feeling ‘scattered’ or ‘lost’ in your day-to-day life routines and struggles.

Through this work, you walk through a variety of approaches in mindfulness meditation that include such simple techniques of breathing and inner focusing while walking, standing or sitting. In other words, the author explores and suggests a large variety of meditative practices that are easy to do wherever you are. As such you can carry the teachings and exercises suggested I this book with you into your office, onto the bus, into a waiting room or right at your bedside where you can use this resource as a source of inspiration. The teachings of this work are not only central to mindfulness practices but also valuable as a deepening of your personal growth as this book can be a form of therapy in and of itself.
 Submitted by Arash Kameli, MA, CCC

Finding it difficult to connect with your teen? Teen years can be a difficult time to connect with our growing children. Your teen probably wants to spend a fair amount of his or her waking time hanging out with friends or just hanging out in their rooms.  This can be a challenging time to connect with your teen while allowing them the space to explore their identity and independence that comes with growing up. One way to start a conversation with your teen is to ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer.  Ask their opinion and create space that shows you are interested in learning more about what is important to them.  While your teen may not seem to be listening, teens learn a lot from the way we communicate with them and not just the words we use. Here is a link with suggested topics for starting conversations with your teen. http://www.imom.com/tools/build-relationships/conversation-starters-for-teens/