Nataxja Cini

Some aggressive people think they are being assertive because they are stating their needs. It is true that both assertive and aggressive communication involves stating your needs.There are very important differences between stating your needs assertively and stating them aggressively. The differences are in the words used, the tone taken, and the body language used to express your message.

What do we do, that makes the significant people in our lives feel we value them? One way is to make them feel we value what they have to say.  Feeling heard helps people to feel that their emotions are valid. Learning to listen is a vital part of our relationships with others. Can you listen to your partner or children in a way that makes them feel heard and validated? 

Learning is a skill and it’s not an easy skill to learn.  Sometimes we carry on a conversation in our head or out loud while someone else is talking.  Our relationships, whether at home or at work depend upon us being good listeners.  And I’m not talking about just mindlessly nodding your head and saying hmmm ever so often.

Good listening involves focusing solely on the speaker. This means to put away all other distractions, your mobile or PDA, stop trying to cook dinner or shuffle your papers, or what other distraction there may be. Turn and look at the speaker –make eye contact. Become actively involved in listening.  Focus solely on listening.

By looking at the speaker maybe you can learn more about what they are saying.  What is the person not saying to you that you can pick up by their subtle body language? How are they holding themselves, what is the look on their face?

Next time you’re having a conversation with someone listen intently.  Don’t let your email or your cell phone interrupt the conversation. Look at them and see if you can make a better connection with hem as you give them all of your attention.  While you may not see the results immediately you may just be surprised on how this simple change can improve your relationships.