Come visit us at the Kanata Health and Wellness Expo at the Sensplex, Saturday January 21 from 9-4pm. We’re giving away three door prizes. Drop by and pick up our flyer announcing our Free Winter talk Schedule. We look forward to seeing you. Sensplex is located at 1565 Maple Grove Road in Kanata
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How many times have you been in the middle of a conversation with someone and their cell phone rings? What happens next? Does the person excuse themselves to take the call, look at their phone or do they continue focusing on you? I feel the average person will at least take out their cell phone and see who is calling before determining if they answer or ignore the call.
I am confused on how an invention created to allow us more freedom has changed how we interact with each other. If we step back and reflect if we’re in the middle of a conversation how many of us would let someone else interrupt the conversation. If I’m talking to you and focusing my attention on you why would I let someone else come between us if they just walked up and started talking? How many times do we see people texting while “engaged” in a conversation with someone else? How is this possible to be truly engaged in a conversation if your mind is somewhere else? What does this say about us and about how we view relating to others? If we are truly engaged in a conversation or dialogue with someone then that person needs to be your sole focus. I think we need to rethink how we view our cell phones usage. Watch this video on wimp.com made in Thailand. Let me know what you think about their message about cell phones and connecting with others. I think it’s a great message. In this day of instant messaging and texting we sometimes forget that " hearing your voice” can be more important than just our words.
In a new study led by Leslie Seltzer of the University of Wisconsin, girls who had heard mothers' words were consoled compared to girls who didn’t talk to their mothers at all and girls who only communicated through texting. Researchers looked at the girls’ cortisol and oxytocin levels before and after completing a math test. Cortisol levels are related to our stress levels. Oxytocin is associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships. Girls who heard their mother's voice, either in person or on the phone, were consoled. Their oxytocin levels rose, (which means they felt connected to their mothers) and their cortisol levels dropped (which means they felt less stressed after the conversations.) What does this all mean to kids, parents, and couples? Texting is fine for everyday conversations such as “ supper at 6 pm or Do you anything from the grocery store?” But maybe a personal phone call is in order for “ How was your test today?” or other potential emotional conversations. What did we learn? Researchers believe we miss emotional cues when texting. And not all conversations are best handled over texting. Person to person verbal conversation is the best to transmit and receive verbal emotional cues from each other and to emotionally connect with our loved ones. Enjoy the clip. Let me know what you think? What do we do, that makes the significant people in our lives feel we value them? One way is to make them feel we value what they have to say. Feeling heard helps people to feel that their emotions are valid. Learning to listen is a vital part of our relationships with others. Can you listen to your partner or children in a way that makes them feel heard and validated?
Learning is a skill and it’s not an easy skill to learn. Sometimes we carry on a conversation in our head or out loud while someone else is talking. Our relationships, whether at home or at work depend upon us being good listeners. And I’m not talking about just mindlessly nodding your head and saying hmmm ever so often. Good listening involves focusing solely on the speaker. This means to put away all other distractions, your mobile or PDA, stop trying to cook dinner or shuffle your papers, or what other distraction there may be. Turn and look at the speaker –make eye contact. Become actively involved in listening. Focus solely on listening. By looking at the speaker maybe you can learn more about what they are saying. What is the person not saying to you that you can pick up by their subtle body language? How are they holding themselves, what is the look on their face? Next time you’re having a conversation with someone listen intently. Don’t let your email or your cell phone interrupt the conversation. Look at them and see if you can make a better connection with hem as you give them all of your attention. While you may not see the results immediately you may just be surprised on how this simple change can improve your relationships. Family-Therapy will be at the Kanata Health and Wellness Fair this January 7th from 10 – 4pm. The Kanata Health and Wellness Fair will be held at the Scotiabank Place. Admission is free and the first 200 guests will receive a tote bag. We will be giving a 25 minute talk about Stress, Mindfulness and Your Well-Being at 1pm. Drop by our booth and say hi. Other exhibitors will be local spas, dental hygienist, chiropractor, and fitness trainers. Give us a call at 613- 287-3799 for more details or visit the Kanata Chambers of Commerce for more information.
We look forward to seeing you this January 7th, The Therapy Team at Family-Therapy "Today I do mental housecleaning, making room for new positive thoughts"
As we start this New Year, 2012, we may be full of hope and optimism for the upcoming year. Many people see this time of the year as a chance for a new beginning or a renewal. I came across the above quote and thought it could be relevant to people looking to start anew. As the saying goes “In with the New Year and out with the old year”. I thought while we transition into the New Year, why don’t we making room for new positive thoughts. Out with negative self defeating thoughts and in with kinder, self loving thoughts. As you start this New Year, do some mental housecleaning; make room for new positive loving thoughts to carry you through the year. Enjoy this lovely video I saw on wimp.com called Happy New Year Happy New Year from the Team at Family-Therapy I am thrilled to report that Family-Therapy has been nominated as Kanata's 2011 People’s Choice Business for the Health & Wellness Business of the Year. How exciting! Here at Family-Therapy we work hard to provide quality counselling services to our clients.
As a therapist, I am passionate about providing compassionate counselling services to the residents of Kanata. I truly believe there is a need for all inclusive therapy and counselling services here in Kanata. Whether you are a child, teenager, young or mature adult single, couple or a family, there are times when we need a place to be heard, listened to, and understood. I believe that Family-Therapy can provide you with a safe environment to explore your inner world and achieve your dreams. I believe you can create the positive loving relationship you want with your partner, your family, your children, and with yourself. What is more strengthening and healing than being understood and emotionally attached to my love? To pull away from each other can send the wrong message-- that your partner is unacceptable as he or she is or even I'm unacceptable the way I am. When we withdraw for each other we only cause our partners and ourselves more pain. The distance from each other makes it more difficult to get the reassurance and comfort we need at this time.
It is understandable that we withdraw though. What did we learn in previous love relationships and from our childhood? What messages did you receive as a child about needing to be comforted? Were you told to “grow up” or that “only sissies cry”? It takes courage and brave heart to be able to turn to our partners or those who have hurt us and express our pain and hurt. After all at this moment of vulnerability we don’t know if they will respond with words of kindness, compassion or understanding. Compassion and attachment do not lead to going off “to get fixed”. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a way to guide couples and families to connect with their humanity. We all have deep longings, and needs. When we learn the dialogue and how to hear our partners talk about their pain we can listen to their pain without becoming defensive. We can learn to listen and learn something new about our partners and see them differently. Not as someone trying to hurt us but as someone who has their own pain and is trying to protect themselves from hurt by withdrawing. Emotionally Focused Therapy can teach you how to “reach” for each other when you are in pain. You can heal your pain and connect deeper with others. 6) Communicate directly with your ex-spouse. While it may be difficult to have to talk with someone you’re upset with passing messages through your children harms them. No child wants to be the messenger for Mom or Dad. Avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you. If it’s difficult to be civil when speaking to your ex agree to leave voice messages, text messages or emails to exchange important information regarding your children. Do not withhold important or urgent information from the other parent. In the end, this makes you look foolish and only creates more hostility between the two of you.
7) Don’t ask your child what is happening at Mom or Dad’s house. This causes your child to feel he or she needs to choose sides. Children will be resentful of you if they feel they need to provide you with a report of what the other parent is doing. 8) Allow the other parent to still be your child’s parent even after you have divorced and are living separate lives. Children need to know they are still loved by both parents and they are not the cause of the divorce. Even if it’s painful to encounter your ex at parent teacher interviews or sporting events, take the high ground and remember your child needs both parents to be involved in his or her life. 9) Find ways to manage your own stress. Getting divorced is never quick and easy. Your children need you to provide them with support as they go through this difficult transition. Make sure to take time for yourself. This could means simple things like taking a bath after the children are in bed, exercising, talking with your friends, or listening to your favorite music. Seek out your friends or a divorce support group for support or to express your emotions. You should never turn to your children to discuss your marital difficulties even if they offer you support. 10) Seek professional help when needed. It’s not easy to overcome your sense of loss or your children’s loss when there is a divorce. It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce. If things get worse rather than better after several months, it may be time to seek professional help for yourself and your children. Professional help may be warranted if you or your children are experiencing difficulty sleeping, withdrawal from favorite activities, inability to concentrate, frequent angry outbursts or bouts of crying months after the divorce. Keep your children’s teachers informed of your divorce so they can keep an eye out for unusual behaviour and may be able to offer your child support at school. 1) Be aware of expecting perfection
2) Be realistic to what you can accomplish given your time limitations 3) Involve family members in your holiday preparations 4) Give yourself permission to say no 5) Recognize the signs of stress 6) Include downtime as part of your holiday 7) Keep your regular routines so your children don’t become overwhelmed 8) Remind your children of your expectations. Praise, appreciate and encourage them for showing proper behaviour. This works for adults too. 9) Physical activity helps reduce tension and burns off calories 10) SIt back, relax, and enjoy yourself Happy Holidays from the Family-Therapy Team |
AuthorNataxja Cini is the founder of Family-Therapy.ca. She can be reached at Archives
March 2018
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